Here’s what my REAL and Honest Christmas letter would say

My girlfriend and I were chatting about Christmas cards, and I made a comment about how it would be so funny if with along with my Christmas card I include one of those letters that some people do to highlight what has been going on the past year. You know it’s usually all fun and fluff, “John got a promotion, and I started teaching yoga part time to get me out of the house while the kids are at school. Speaking of kids, Johnny got straight A’s all year!!! Molly made the varsity cheerleading squad.”

You get where I’m going. These letters are similar to most people’s Facebook pages. Only the good stuff gets shared.

Here is my REAL Christmas letter.

Hello Friends and Family,

Boy, I can’t believe 2015 is almost over. What a year it’s been! Where to start… Last year on December 27th, I got a call from Brad’s mistress whom he’d been having a year and a half long affair with. Ya, to say I was shocked was a bit of an understatement. I got to meet this gal in person because apparently a phone call wasn’t enough, so she had to come to my house as well. She knew right where we lived since she would come over a couple times a week while I was at work and do what people do when they’re having an affair.

They met on the married dating site I’m sure you’ve heard of this website as they were everywhere on the news because their database had gotten hacked and most of the member’s names were getting revealed. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a couple more letters like mine next year.

On a positive note, we got an offer on our house one week after putting it on the market. I was very relieved because Brad and I lived in the same house for the month of January until I finally found a place to live. Separate bedrooms of course. No tension in that house or anything. He did spend a couple weekends at his new girlfriend’s house during this time which was a nice and well needed break from him.

A couple days after I found out about the affair my friend took Anna out to dinner so Brad and I could discuss the division of our possessions. Things got a little heated, I slapped him, he called the cops and I got arrested and had to spend the night in the slammer. Thank goodness Brad didn’t press charges. What a sweetheart!

Oh, and during this time I had started a new position at my company which was 3 pay grades higher than my previous job. This job was more demanding and important people within my company would now have their eyes on me. I’m not sure if you’ve ever trained for a new job on a diet of  bananas and wine, but I can attest it’s not a good idea.  Somehow I managed to survive and I still have my job. Whew!

I filed for divorce about a week after I found out about Brad’s affair. After I filed for divorce Brad tried to accuse me of being an unfit mother and was also trying to get shared custody of Anna so he wouldn’t have to pay as much child support. Again, what a sweetheart. We finally got everything ironed out and we were divorced on April 24th, 2015. What a great day that was! I went back to my maiden name and couldn’t be happier to start my new life.

On the bright side, Anna and I moved to a beautiful neighborhood with really nice neighbors and a lot of kids.

And yes, Brad is still with his Ashley Madison babe. Boy, are they a pair. Anna was not allowed to be around her for the first 6 months after divorce was final because she is such a nut. Brad sure does love her though. I’m sure a wedding announcement should be fast coming.

2015 sure was quite the year! I’m hoping next year is a bit calmer and not as dramatic. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Cheers to 2016!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.